#attachment theory

[lassify]

Damian Desmond: An Attachment Perspective

**Spoilers for SxF Chapter 106 Below**

I loved this chapter for so many reasons, but the one I really want to highlight today is that Damian may be insecurely attached, but he still has hope. And that he is so brave, in his own way.

Exhibit A: When Damian knocks on Demetrius' door and asks for help, I am 100% positive that Damian wasn't truly expecting a response from Demetrius. He's used to being ignored, especially by his own family.

But he tried anyway.

This is important, because most children of Damian's age who fall under the category of avoidant attachment wouldn't approach a situation like this where there is a possibility that they would be rejected. It speaks volumes to me that Damian has a sense that he would be turned away, but still he tries.

"I was hoping..."

Exhibit B: There is also this moment where we see that Damian wanted to say something, and then he silences himself before he can say anything.

(Don't cry, Lass, omg dont cry 😭😭😭 )

Damian is initially afraid, so he silences himself, but then there is this moment, where he pulls himself together, and tries again.

Endo is so brilliant at drawing out moments of important decisions for characters. You can see Damian making the decision to say something, and gather his courage, but he only falls short once he actually succeeds at getting Donovan's attention.

Under the heavy gaze of the head of the Desmond dynasty, I'm not surprised that 6-year old Damian felt his resolve crumble.

But!

He reverts to another option: find support. Which leads me to...

Exhibit C: This one makes me sob, actually. In response to his wavering confidence, Damian looks to his mother for support. The woman who should be his primary caregiver, and therefore his primary attachment figure.

And she turns away.

(Tears, tears down my face, my boy doesn't deserve this 😭 )

This is the third moment in this chapter alone that Damian does something that no other Desmond would dare: he seeks connection.

Damian tried to connect with his brother, his father, and his mother, all in the same chapter. He is the sole character that links them all.

All through Chapter 106, these are the moments that stood out to me the most, because it truly shows to me that Damian still has hope. Demetrius and Melinda are very clearly ingrained in their roles, and their behaviour is crystallised into what we see as the reader. It's obvious that this isn't the first time that Demetrius has rebuffed Damian's requests; and this isn't the first time that Melinda has ignored Damian's emotional needs.

I hear you wondering: Does Damian still have hope because he's still just a child?

Maybe. It's certainly possible. But I also want to highlight that Damian is insecurely attached; specifically showing an insecure-avoidant attachment style.

Children with this style of attachment typically experience high levels of emotional neglect, where their primary caregiver consistently does not meet their emotional needs. This leads the child to value independence, autonomy, and self-reliance, and to generally see others as untrustworthy.

We see this in Damian. He believes he is better, usually weaponising the Desmond name to place himself above others, but there is also an element where he believes he is better, because he ranks highly in the social hierarchy, and he achieves brilliant grades on his own merit, demonstrating his own self-reliance.

(Side note: Issues stemming from an avoidant attachment style can still coexist with self-esteem issues, but I'm trying not to complicate this post lol).

My point: Damian has experienced enough rejection in his childhood that he shouldn't even be trying with his own family anymore. But he does. He keeps trying. Damian still hopes that he can connect with his family, and I think that this is because this is a part of his actual personality.

On the inside, Damian is complex; he struggles with the weight of his identity, he is trying to find his place in the world, he yearns for attention and validation (specifically from his father), he finds comfort in believing that he is better than other people (even his friends), he struggles to handle big emotions, he prefers to work things through independently, and struggles to be vulnerable and ask for help, and he lies to himself about his big feelings so that he can avoid feeling them.

And my favourite thing about him: he still keeps trying. He gathers his courage. He gets back up. Time and time again he feels afraid, and time and time again he feels the fear and he tries anyway.

Damian is so brave, in his own way.

[neurantics-theythem]

Disorganized (aka fearful-avoidant) attachment style is overanalyzing/overcorrecting when you think your partner might be pulling away from you, but then pulling away from them when they draw close to you.

It is both craving AND fearing intimacy so deeply that you grip people tight in your hands lest they leave you, but keep them at an arms length lest they love you.

[conscious-love]

When love is unreliable and you are a child, you assume that it is the nature of love – its quality – to be unreliable. Children do not find fault with their parents until later. In the beginning the love you get is the love that sets.

Jeanette Winterson, Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal?

[funeral]

Susan Nathiel, Daughters of Madness

[toriangeli]

Something about disorganized attachment styles and Armand turning Daniel (bringing him close) and immediately leaving him (pushing him away).

[twinkdrama]

allow yourself to be unlikable

[fractal-unfoldment]

Unresolved abandonment is the root of self-sabotage.

Susan Anderson, The Journey From Abandonment to Healing

[alilarew23]

this is soooo loa-ditch-the-old-self-coded. i fucking love the phrase “tipped over in the middle of invention.” be brave enough to persist in your invention.

[hisenemy]

lol .

[asingleturtleduck]

there are two wolves inside me (i have disorganized attachment)

[emotionallychargedtowel]

Utsukushii Kare master post

With Utsukushii Kare: Eternal becoming available on streaming in Japan and rumors of international streaming distribution on the horizon, I thought this might be a good time to do a roundup post of all of my meta writing on the series so far. There's quite a bit of it. Between the complexity of the psychological themes in this series and my capacity for hyperfocus, I ended up with a lot to say.

In case it doesn't go without saying, this post is subject to change as I continue to post on this topic.

The psychological paradoxes of Utsukushii Kare

This is a series of posts (the current plan is to write three installments) about what it says on the tin: paradoxical psychological dynamics in Utsukushii Kare. These are things about the characters that may seem contradictory at first but can be accounted for by digging deeper into some psychological concepts. These posts are focused on the series (both seasons) but will draw from the movie and from the novel and related stories when they illustrate points about the series.

Part 1: Covert grandiosity and finding status through idealization - A pretty deep dive into 1) the subtle ways Hira shows that while his self-image can be highly negative in some ways, in other respects he feels superior to others and 2) how by elevating Kiyoi’s status and humbling himself in comparison, Hira attains a different kind of status.

An addendum of sorts to part 1: Hira's parents and his self-defeating tendencies - Some guesswork about how Hira's parents could have contributed to his self-defeating personality, with some further discussion of specific self-defeating strategies he uses in his relationship with Kiyoi and elsewhere.

Utsukushii Kare through the lens of pursuer-distancer dynamics and related psychological concepts:

The pursuer-distancer dyad & how it applies to the world of BL - a primer on this psychological concept and how it applies to BL generally, with a brief reference to how this concept applies to Utsukare (also touches on Semantic Error and talks in detail about an example from To My Star 2). This one isn't super focused on Utsukushii Kare but is pretty de rigeur for understanding my UK posts on this topic.

Paradoxical roles; or, I think I finally figured out the pursuer-distancer dynamic in Utsukushii Kare - This post comes after some of the posts listed below but I recommend reading it first as this is really where (I think) I cracked the code on this aspect of the story.

Pursuer-distancer roles & attachment style in Utsukushii Kare, Part 1: Hira - In-depth discussion of Hira's role in the pursuer-distancer dyad, his attachment style, and his personality

Pursuer-distancer roles and attachment style in Utsukushii Kare Part 2: Kiyoi - In-depth discussion of Kiyoi's role in the pursuer-distancer dyad, his attachment style, and his personality

Re-evaluating pursuing & distancing in Utsukushii Kare season 1 - super detailed post working out my thoughts about pursuing and distancing in season 1

On the way Sakai Mai (the series' director) uses seme left, uke right framing and its significance in BL and other Japanese media:

Using an example from the s2e1 with the girl who hits on Hira at a party (via a reblog of a gifset from @nanons)

On the way Sakai flips Hira's and Kiyoi's position in the frame in two versions of the same scene and what it tells us about its significance

How the persistent/cute trope plays out in Utsukushii Kare season 2, plus related overanalyses of the big season 2 finale kiss:

The persistent and the cute (how "persistent" and "cute" are code words with specific meanings in BL/yaoi/other drama and manga genres/Japanese culture more broadly)

Analyzing the season 2 finale kiss in light of seme left/uke right framing and the persistent/cute trope (in a reblog of a gif post by @nanons)

Reblogging @bl-bracket to lobby for the season 2 finale kiss, with more overanalysis

Fragrance nerd discussion:

This bittersweet fragrance - on the significance of osmanthus/tea olive in Utsukushii Kare season 2, with additional information on the possible significance of the fragrance of osmanthus and perfumes that are either osmanthus soliflores or feature prominent osmanthus notes

Posts on specific season 2 episodes:

initial thoughts about S2e1

Additional (informal) thoughts on s2e1

S2e1 rundown

Hira's incongruous/misaligned affect at the end of s2e1

S2e2 rundown

on S2e2, including pursuer-distancer dynamics and seme left, uke right

Utsukushii Kare S2E4: “face me straight on” (mostly discussing relationship dynamics pointed out in topic-specific metas)

on Utsukushii Kare: Eternal:

Kiyoi and Anna: on Kiyoi’s friendship with Anna and its significance for his personal growth

[dittohasadhd]

now that people are starting to recognize love languages as heteronormative nonsense, can we just talk about the pop psychology application of attachment theory for a second?

I know I'm not the only one who has noticed the fixation on Anxious vs. Avoidant Attachment. But is it me or does this false dichotomy sound suspiciously like a proxy for gender essentialism??

[bellyofbeing]

bessel van der kolk on disorganised attachment

[funeral]

Researchers studying the kinds of problems adolescents have when they have insecure attachments have found that girls with dismissive attachments...are more likely to develop eating disorders of some kind and to focus their energies on controlling internal emotional states by controlling food intake. There’s some good evidence that the food restriction typical of anorexia causes the brain to release endorphins, since starvation signals ‘‘emergency’’ to the brain. Endorphins cause a ‘‘high’’ feeling and relief of anxiety, quickly and reliably, and can be as addictive as drugs that are ingested. It may be the addiction component that makes eating disorders so difficult to resolve.

Susan Nathiel, Daughters of Madness

[hopesandmountains]

Anxious attachment styles are typically anxious to receive the love that they never received in childhood (even if it’s in unhealthy ways)

Avoidant attachment styles are typically afraid of love because love normally meant harm when they were a child (so they push away people they probably shouldn’t)

And disorganized people are typically afraid of love but are also anxious to receive the love they never received in childhood (so they either look for it in unhealthy ways or relationships become complicated due to the fear)

[butchxdaddy]

It seems like you're thinking of a partner as more of a therapist than a partner...

noo big difference, but there are similarities. i’ve seen a lot of avoidants have this response, where they are comfortable dumping trauma, work difficulties, family issues, past relationship issues, mental health issues, etc on partners but then when their partner has issues and goes through mental health crises, they leave them.

in therapy, there isn’t a mutual space. one person pays the other to listen, advise, validate, etc. the dynamic is inherently manipulative- you’re seeing the best part of someone. it is their job (and an important one). but there’s a reason couples therapists give out homework… the actual work is between the two partners

partners should also include this- but on a mutual level. there is space for both experiences. partnership should be safe spaces where forgiveness, healing, acceptance, and accountability exist. you don’t just dump emotional baggage on your partner then leave them the way you do a therapist. it’s a mutual experience, where you both share and work through emotional, mental, spiritual experiences together. sharing vulnerabilities and being there for one another during tough times is literally a major component in relationships.

even just in friendship, this should exist. whenever a friend of mine hurts me, i don’t point fingers that they’re a bad person. i reflect on why that happened, how they grew up, what i know about their past, what would have informed that response, why they maybe haven’t been feeling safe, etc. i communicate immediately (not wait a month to bring it up) and hold them accountable to hurting me while also extending forgiveness and empathy, thinking of the little kid that’s hurting inside them. if they’re willing to accept responsibility for their actions and can reflect on what’s going on, willing to work to do better- amazing! an opportunity for trust and growth :) if they fire back, blame shift, shut down, withdraw, etc- then that’s someone who isn’t emotionally available for growth.

therapy can help build, strengthen, and repair relationships- but only if those actions are also happening in the relationship. a partnership without active forgiveness, mutual healing, a desire to work to understand the other, & to become better partners for each other, isn’t partnership.

the perfect partner doesn’t exist. in reality, people fuck up. they hurt each other. those that love you will recognize this, take responsibility for it, and express a desire to do and be better. those that love you will stay. those that give up, that leave, that don’t own up to their mistakes, that can’t extend forgiveness, that don’t care to understand why their partner functions a certain way, that don’t care to heal and be better… those people aren’t built for real, authentic partnership.

so, to conclude.

there is a stark difference between leaning on your partner for support & having your relationship needs met by them vs having them be your therapist. unfortunately, many ppl who run more disorganized/avoidant can shut down when their partners need to rely on them and start showing their own wounds. then they will say “you didn’t want a partner, you wanted a therapist” … in reality, they wanted a partner who genuinely meant for better & for worse, who loved them enough to stay when it got hard & support healing- not be responsible for it. those people who shut down when their partner has emotional baggage, wounds, and flaws need to reevaluate what relationship means to them, what it looks like, and open up communication instead of withholding, ruminating, and withdrawing from their partner